Dark Nights

2010-02-15T02:34:00.001-06:00

Powerful commerical

2010-01-25T03:19:00.000-06:00

Jay Leno 2004

2010-01-22T02:35:00.002-06:00

Jay's 2004 Announcement - watch more funny videos

Still here.....barely

2010-01-22T00:04:00.003-06:00

Sorry guys I know I've been gone a while but have been working on alot of things lately. Computer crashed, kid had surgery (he's fine), problems at work, problems at home. Everything is not going well. It's so bad that I might have to change my title to Dark Days!!!! Yep, I know I said that I would NEVER go to days but with the new Chief everyone is miserable. He has been here for about an year and just doesn't know how to make good decisions. My Sgt is starting a business just so that he can quit. Another two other Sgts are on the way out the door as well. I'd say about a third to half of patrol is planning or currently in the process of leaving. It's pretty bad. The only people really putting any effort is the rookies. Even the ones with experience are like what the fuck is going on here! They pretty much screwed me enough that I'm stuck at this department. I'm going to stick it out, hold my head high and work through the problems. I just figure since we can no longer can be cops that I'll just go to days and have better days off.

Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever

2009-12-29T04:29:00.002-06:00

Fantastic. Greg sends along this DIY FYI:

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

Berlin Fail

2009-12-05T14:19:00.000-06:00

Mad TV Black Women interview.

2009-12-03T16:39:00.001-06:00

West Virgina Ninja

2009-11-19T02:28:00.000-06:00

Chinese immigrant letter

2009-11-18T01:14:00.000-06:00

Dave 4 Life

2009-11-17T01:12:00.000-06:00

Most F'd up joke.

2009-11-16T05:11:00.000-06:00

Barber shop murder

2009-11-10T01:59:00.001-06:00

No Swat Needed. (shooting)

2009-11-08T01:20:00.001-06:00

The way school should be like

2009-11-06T04:35:00.001-06:00

Flatley

2009-11-05T04:13:00.001-06:00

Obama respect

2009-11-04T05:29:00.000-06:00

Sure do miss him.

2009-11-04T05:09:00.000-06:00

Trick-or-Treat

2009-11-04T02:57:00.001-06:00

Transformers Costume

2009-10-31T01:26:00.001-05:00

centennial bridge shooting.

2009-10-29T02:15:00.000-05:00

Favorite Animal

2009-10-25T02:02:00.000-05:00

My teacher said I was being disrespectful. She'd asked us what our favorite animal was, and I'd said, "Fried chicken".

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right. Everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chickens. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her "Colonel Sanders". She sent me to the principal's office again.

This school stuff is really confusing.

Puddle Splasher.

2009-10-24T04:53:00.000-05:00

10 Drugs Not To Take Before Driving

2009-10-23T04:55:00.000-05:00

New Mexico Shoot out.

2009-10-19T02:22:00.000-05:00

David Thorne Emails LMAO!!!!!!

2009-10-19T01:43:00.002-05:00

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thank you for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing.
I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships..
For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners.
I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours.
The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh.
Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms.
These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm

To: Helen Bailey

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.

From: Helen Bailey

Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen

AND HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED WHEN HE RECEIVED AN EMAIL FROM HIS GYM....

From:Jeff Peters

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 10.22am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Membership Renewal
Dear David
This is a friendly reminder to let you know your gym membership expired last week. Your membership is important to us and we would like to take this opportunity to show our appreciation by offering you a 20% discount on your membership renewal. We look forward to seeing you again soon.
All the best, Jeff Peters

From: David Thorne

Date: Wednesday 8 April 2009 1.37pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Membership Renewal
Dear Jeff,
Thankyou for your friendly reminder and the kind offer to reduce my membership by twenty percent. I own a calculator but I could not work out how to do percentages on it so have estimated that I save around $372.10 off the normal price of $420.00 - Please confirm that this is correct and I will renew my membership immediately.
Also, do I get a Fitness First sports bag with towel and drinking bottle included in the price? I own my own legwarmers and headband.
Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.01am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
How did you come to that amount? Our half year membership fees are actually $460 but with the 20% discount as an existing member your renewing membership fee would be only $368 for the six months saving you almost $100 off the normal price. We are not Fitness First so do not have those bags.
Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 10.18am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Do I get free shipping with that?
Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 12.48pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Free shipping with what? The $368 covers your membership fees for six months.

From: David Thorne

Date: Thursday 9 April 2009 2.26pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
By the power of Greyskull that is a lot of money but I admit to being in desperate need of increasing my body strength. My ten year old child often turns the taps off in the bathroom very tightly and I have to go several days without washing.
I feel bad constantly having to ask the lady from next door to come over and loosen them for me, what with her arthritis and limited wheelchair access to my apartment. To be honest, I originally joined your gym with full intentions of attending every few days but after waiting in vain for someone to offer me steroids, I began to suspect this was not going to happen and the realisation that I may have to exercise instead was, quite frankly, horrifying.
My aversion to work, along with the fact one of your employees, Justin, was rather rude, telling me to 'lift this', ''push that' dulled my initial enthusiasm of becoming muscular and I stopped attending.
Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 9.17am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Hello David
Not sure how to take your email, nobody here would offer you steroids, it is illegal and none of our staff would do this. Justin is one of our most experienced trainers and if you found him rude while he was trying to be helpful and just doing his job then there are plenty of other gyms you could look at joining instead.
Cheers, Jeff

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.02am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
Yes, I have noticed that there are many gyms in my area. I assume the low qualification requirements of fitness trainers means that there is an over supply of these buffed but essentially otherwise purposeless professionals.
I knew a guy in high school who couldn't talk very well and collected sticks, he used to call the teacher 'mum' and during recess we would give him money to dance. Then sell him sticks to get our money back.
He went on to become a fitness instructor so I view gyms as kind of like those factories that provide a community service by employing people with down syndrome to lick stamps and pack boxes. Except with more Spandex obviously.
Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 10.32am

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Go f$*k yourself.

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 11.38am

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Dear Jeff
I was, at first, quite surprised at your response; one minute you are inviting me to renew my membership and asking me for money, the next insulting me. After doing a little research however, I have learnt that mood swings are an expected side effect of steroid abuse.
As another side effect is a reduction in the size of your p#$%, this gives you understandable cause to be an angry person. I have also learnt that Spandex contains carcinogenic properties so this does not bode well for yourself and your shiny friends.
If I woke up one morning and my p#$% was a quarter of the size I would probably take my anger out on those around me as well.
There are probably support groups or websites that could help you manage your problem more effectively and picture based books available on the subject for people with limited reading skills. When I am angry I like to Listen to music by Linkin Park. The added angst and desire to cut myself works similarly to the way firefighters fight forest fires by burning off sections, effectively canceling each other out and I find myself at peace.
I understand that you guys usually listen to Pet Shop Boys or Frankie Goes to Hollywood so this may be worth a try.
Regards, David.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.04pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
DO NOT EMAIL ME AGAIN

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.15pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Ok.

From: Jeff Peters

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.25pm

To: David Thorne

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
Is that you being a smartarse or agreeing not to email me again?

From: David Thorne

Date: Friday 10 April 2009 1.32pm

To: Jeff Peters

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Membership Renewal Due
The middle one.

Log Prank

2009-10-19T01:37:00.001-05:00

Teddy Roosevelt on Immigrantion

2009-10-19T01:33:00.000-05:00

Theodore Roosevelt's ideas on Immigrants and being an AMERICAN in 1907.

'In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person's becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American...There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all. We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language.. And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty to the American people.'

Theodore Roosevelt 1907

Gansta Barney

2009-10-14T06:06:00.001-05:00

What really happened to Abe Lincoln

2009-10-09T01:01:00.002-05:00

Tom Mabe Eavesdropping

2009-10-08T02:22:00.000-05:00

<a href="http://www.cmt.com/video/" target="_blank">Tom Mabe: Eavesdropping</a>

Tom Mabe: Eavesdropping

Montana Shoot

2009-10-07T01:13:00.001-05:00

Mooning News

2009-10-04T04:51:00.000-05:00

My Cat Spot

2009-10-04T04:45:00.000-05:00

I got a Feeling!

2009-10-04T04:08:00.002-05:00

Funny conversation

2009-09-30T03:59:00.000-05:00

CBS Dog Story

2009-09-30T03:33:00.000-05:00

Watch CBS News Videos Online

Bill Maher New rule

2009-09-25T15:16:00.001-05:00

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bill-maher/new-rule-if-america-cant_b_299383.html

Why we need health care

2009-09-07T02:39:00.001-05:00

Public options suck

2009-09-07T02:29:00.000-05:00

20 second mma knockout

2009-09-01T04:16:00.001-05:00

Amazing German Cyclist

2009-08-23T02:31:00.000-05:00

Wow!

The ultimate swing.

2009-08-23T01:48:00.000-05:00

EMBED-Kid Swings From Crane Hook - Watch more free videos

I would absolutely do this!!!!

Marijuana, the gateway drug

2009-08-21T00:51:00.000-05:00

Road Rage Shooting

2009-08-19T00:37:00.000-05:00

Texting and Driving video.

2009-08-19T00:30:00.000-05:00

Sexual Techniques to Make her Wild

2009-08-14T02:19:00.000-05:00

Technique #1: Wet Hands

Yep, it is the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled. So simple. So exciting. You will leave her absolutely breathless.

* Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don’t want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
* With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
* Now, moving slowly and gently place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it, over and over again.
* Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure.

Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys. It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black “wife beater” shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?

* Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want it.
* Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
* Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet; you will know when to move to a new spot.
* Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get good results.

Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game

This game is pretty easy although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of gettin’ your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be just fine. Continue through to the very end.

* You will need two piles. No, I did not mistype the word poles. I typed piles.
* Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
* Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is imperative…use the amount suggested by the manufacturer).
* Add the light pile. Close the lid.
* Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish.
* Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
* Quick note: If your wife is screaming “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Don’t stop what you are doing! This part is so very important. This step is called domesticus interruptus. It can be very frustrating for females.

Laser Light

2009-08-12T02:14:00.000-05:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

TV New Music Video.

2009-08-10T01:14:00.000-05:00

The Second shot gets him.

2009-08-10T00:54:00.000-05:00

octapus

2009-08-08T01:51:00.000-05:00

Grandma learns English

2009-08-05T01:15:00.000-05:00

This is a library!

2009-08-04T22:57:00.000-05:00

Treadmill Skills

2009-08-02T01:04:00.001-05:00

Nadya giving birth

2009-07-30T01:55:00.001-05:00

Low Flying Jets

2009-07-29T01:02:00.000-05:00

Speed Cooking.

2009-07-28T01:45:00.002-05:00

Yummmmy

Crazy Wreck

2009-07-26T01:40:00.001-05:00

Staring Contest

2009-07-25T01:38:00.002-05:00

Redneck Skeet shooting

2009-07-24T01:33:00.002-05:00

This little Piggie

2009-07-23T01:33:00.000-05:00

Monkeys and Penguins

2009-07-22T01:28:00.001-05:00

Racist Prices

2009-07-21T01:32:00.000-05:00

Little boy has great ideas.

2009-07-21T01:23:00.001-05:00

If I was only this intelligent at that age.

Jade Goody Dies

2009-07-20T01:21:00.000-05:00

Black History Month

2009-07-19T01:20:00.001-05:00

Bye Bye Baby

2009-07-18T01:19:00.000-05:00

Gentleman 3

2009-07-17T01:14:00.001-05:00

Gentleman 2

2009-07-16T01:08:00.000-05:00

Bad Parenting

2009-07-15T01:02:00.000-05:00

What a Gentleman

2009-07-14T01:03:00.001-05:00

Racial Diversity

2009-07-13T01:01:00.000-05:00

Chinese SWAT.

2009-07-12T01:52:00.001-05:00

These guy put our SWAT to shame. Must be nice not be worried about getting sued or hurting someones feelings.

Break Up letter

2009-07-11T01:01:00.000-05:00

Guy Killed Very Graphic

2009-07-10T01:45:00.001-05:00

DO NOT WATCH Graphic!!!

Farm Trip

2009-07-09T01:43:00.000-05:00

Freaky Michael Jackson Ghost

2009-07-07T05:35:00.001-05:00

Airbag prank

2009-07-07T01:35:00.001-05:00

Fun with Webcams.

2009-07-06T03:27:00.001-05:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Cake Fail

2009-07-05T01:13:00.001-05:00

Fireworks accident

2009-07-04T01:05:00.002-05:00

EMBED-FIREWORK NUTSHOT FAIL - Watch more free videos

Toothpaste Prank

2009-07-03T01:48:00.003-05:00

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Baseball bat trick

2009-07-02T01:41:00.001-05:00

Good waterboarding Video

2009-07-01T01:56:00.001-05:00

Congrates to ME!!!

2009-06-25T11:38:00.002-05:00

For all those that follow my blog and have observed that I haven't being posting like I normally have done in the past, I have good reason!!!! My last post has been over a month and know I was missed. Well It's because I have have studying and focusing on promoting. Yesterday I have completed the last step of a 5 step process and got promoted to Sergeant of my department. I'd like to say it was extremely difficult and I put in the work to succeed. Not that the other candidates didn't but my life pretty much came to a stand still during this process. I beat out good, more experienced officers and will actually be leading one that tested. I look forward to this challenge.

I will also get back to blogging on July 1.

Magizine Manipulators

2009-05-14T03:42:00.001-05:00

Man's right to choose

2009-04-29T01:48:00.000-05:00

Keep on Trying: A Man's Right to Choose - watch more funny videos

Sony's new stupid piece of shit

2009-04-27T02:41:00.000-05:00

Snow ball fight

2009-04-26T02:40:00.001-05:00

Ice Driving

2009-04-25T02:26:00.002-05:00

Mike Litoris

2009-04-24T02:25:00.000-05:00

Classic magic Trick (old)

2009-04-23T02:10:00.002-05:00

Scissors Beats paper

2009-04-22T02:09:00.000-05:00

Pole Dancer

2009-04-21T02:05:00.000-05:00

Stubborn Door

2009-04-20T02:04:00.000-05:00

Near future of Flying American

2009-04-19T02:53:00.003-05:00

Prayer vs. getting off your ass

2009-04-18T02:52:00.000-05:00

Faulty Elevator

2009-04-17T02:43:00.000-05:00

Ineptitude Cheerleader

2009-04-16T02:42:00.000-05:00

Dead bird Prank

2009-04-15T02:32:00.000-05:00

Horse Killed

2009-04-14T02:31:00.000-05:00